My faith...

I'm sad, but I'm woman enough to admit that I don't always outwardly portray my faith. I know that I am called to do so, but sometimes I feel like people will think less of me because of it. In modern society, those who are "well educated" are atheists, or agnostics... If you even consider faith in something or someone higher, you're cast off as an idiot or someone who isn't as educated.
I've always thought of myself as smart. I'm a nerd, what can I say? I love to learn. Science and math are my favorite subjects. I agree with almost EVERYTHING most people would think I don't agree with. But, because I have a faith in God, people assume I'm uneducated. I hate it. I don't want to be seen that way. I've worked hard for my education... But my faith and commitment to God is something that deserves my attention more.
It's for that reason, I've decided to stop caring about what other's think. I'm done giving into peer pressure and trying to be somebody "cool." If people don't like me as a hard working, well educated, mother and follower of Christ- they don't have to be around me. I'm done pretending and hating myself later because I didn't portray a myself as a Christian.
I'm called to live my life a certain way. I'm set apart. I'm told that it won't be easy... But I also KNOW, without a doubt, that there is more.. that ever hardship and all my suffering is not in vain.

So, I want to clear up some assumptions... Ask me anything about my faith. Ask me about the beliefs you assume I have, or that I don't have. I will answer everything honestly.

Psalm 51:17
"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."

Lord.. Please help me to understand and let you to work and keep my heart and mind open to you. Lord, please help me to be content even if things don't work out the way I want. Lord, bring me peace. Lord, I trust you. Please use me.

Lord I know I need to be broken before you. I give it all up.. I give everything I am and everything to your glory.

Feel like your falling into nothing... You can learn to fly.

"Do not fear, for I am with you..."

Scripture for consideration: Isaiah 41:10.
"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

In the last few weeks I've been pretty absent. I've been trying to figure out what God needs from me in life. I've been struggling with what I feel I HAVE to do, what I feel God WANTS me to do, and what I NEED/WANT to do... I'm a selfish person. It's part of the human condition. It's not a secret that I struggle with what I want and what God wants/needs from me. It's not a secret that I often hear what I want, rather than what God intends for me to hear. I acknowledge that, and I'm trying to fix it. What I feel pressured into, what I feel I HAVE to do, is quit school and get a job. I've faced a similar situation before, and I did both. I had a full-time job, a kid, and graduated high school.. But, college, a full-time job, and having 3 kids is much different. I'm strapped for time as is... I can't imagine having more on top of what I currently have. I know it can be done... People do it everyday... I just really can't imagine. The thing I struggle with most, is not spending as much time with my kids. My kids are my life. I spend every moment with them. I can't imagine not seeing them as much as I do now. I know, I know.. suck it up and do what you have to do. But they're only little for so long, and I want to enjoy it while I can. As I said before, I'm selfish.
As for what I feel I NEED/WANT to do... I want to finish school. I want to graduate college. Not just for myself, but because I'll be able to get an awesome job and take care of my kids with no problems. I'll feel accomplished, and I'll be able to tell my kids I did it. They'll be proud of me for finishing college and they won't feel ashamed to have a mother who can't provide for herself and her kids. I know it's selfish. I know that it's not completely do-able right now. I know that. I just feel like this is something I HAVE to do.. It's the one thing I have that's just for me. It's mine... and I want it so bad. It just isn't something that seems to be plausible at this time.
When it comes to what God WANTS from me... I'm not sure. I need to really consider it and think hard about it. I need to ask him and genuinely open my heart to a reply. I know he knows what's best. I understand that it may not be what I want... But in the end, he knows best and I have to trust him.

That's one of my biggest struggles- trusting God. I know I need to. I want to. I know I need to lay my worries on God and trust that he will do what needs to be done. I have to trust that all the struggles and hardships are only going to make me a stronger person. I have to understand that God will never leave me like others in my life have. I have to learn to accept the unconditional love that the Lord has for me, and accept that he knows best. I truly, truly hope that this week I keep this in mind. I hope that praying and leaning on the Lord will help me to understand what path He needs me to take right now. Whatever it is, I'm determined to do it...

"...but only what is helpful for building others up..."

Scripture for consideration: Ephesians 4:29-32
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you."

This scripture actually came into my heart last night, as I sat slightly aggravated at my current situation. I was so, so frustrated because my husband kept falling asleep after I had asked him many, many times to put away the dishes. I was upset because I felt I had already done so much, and that asking him to do that one little thing should have been no problem. I felt upset that he was being so LAZY. I wanted to scream at him, tell him how lazy he was and how unhelpful he had been the last few days. I wanted to let him have a piece of my mind. I quickly came to my senses. I had every right to be upset- but what good would screaming, yelling and tearing my husband down with words do but get me into a tizzy and looking crazy...? no good. So, I let myself cool down, composed myself, woke him up, and un-aggravated we went to bed.
He got up at 6:30, he fed the baby, woke up our oldest son, received his little cousin that I babysit and then put away the dishes- waking me up right before he left at 8:30. I was happy. I got to sleep in a few hours, and the dishes were put away! I kind of felt silly for being so upset the night before. It ended up done, maybe not exactly when I wanted it to be done, but it was done.
This may be the most important verse I've considered this week. I have trouble keeping my mouth under control. I tend to say things without thinking, and disregarding whether it benefits my children, or others, who are listening to my conversation. I also seem to say things that break people down rather than build them up. I do this mostly to my husband. I don't think I really mean to... It just happens that way. I'm really trying to make a change though. I realize I need to rid myself of the anger and bitterness I have at some of the situations I encounter. I need to quit bickering with people over things that aren't that serious. I need to have patience with people. I know I need to focus on being more Christ-Like in all that I do, rather than just in certain situations. I need to quit bringing up past offences and forgive and forget. I must do these things because this is what I am called to do. I'm told that this is what God requires of us. That's not to say I can't ever be angry or upset... Because we're not perfect. God knows this, and we can be forgiven because Jesus came and took those sins and burdens for us.
I am thankful, Lord, for that sacrifice.

I Smiled...

Scripture for consideration: Romans 12:12

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

I usually read from the NKJV of the bible, however, I really loved the way the NIV worded this verse. It doesn't really matter what version of the bible you use, it all says the same thing. I just like the wordings of different versions for different verses (which is why I own so many different bibles).

I was awakened suddenly at 6 by JD (my youngest son). As I sat up, I smiled. I was taken back by the oddness. It's not "normal" for me to feel so peppy first thing in the morning- at least not recently. I got JD a bottle and as I sat feeding him I started thinking about my verse choice for the day. I opened my heart and mind to what God was trying to tell me. Overwhelmingly, I knew that I was to be joyful and hopeful that things would be great- no matter what afflictions came my way. That's when it hit me. Romans 12:12. I was so happy to receive this today! I especially needed the "faithful in prayer" part of this verse, as I have been having problems trusting and being faithful in the hope that God will answer my prayers. I know that in order for our prayers to be heard, we have to believe and have faith that our prayers will be answered.

This verse is also important because my family is going through a bit of a rough patch. We're struggling to pay bills, I'm fighting off an infection, battling crippling depression, issues with my reproductive organs, and debating my entire belief system and learning that what I thought I stood for, are things God wouldn't stand for. It's a hard pill to take. This verse tells me to take it all in stride. To be joyful in hoping for better, patient while hard times are here- to keep praying, and have faith that the Lord is hearing those prayers and working to answer them at the right time. 

Let's fix this.

So, after much consideration, I've decided that what's truly wrong with my life, and is the true reason for my depression and stress is my lack of confidence in myself as a mother and wife, also my lack of faith and trust in the Lord. So, I'm going to start working on it. I'm going to put all my trust in the Lord, and become the wife and mother that He calls me to be.

Scripture for consideration: Proverbs 31:10-31

In going over the scripture above, I started to realized the things I need to seriously work on.

Learn to trust him.

1. I need to make sure my husband trusts me.
Not just in a fidelity sense. He needs to trust me with money, with his secrets, and with his heart as well. I'm not exactly the best with money- and sometimes I have a bad habit of spending, even when I know I shouldn't.. It's on things for the family, but I go overboard. A LOT.

2. Does her husband good, and not evil.
It's not that I intentionally do my husband harm, but I do have a tendency to pick on him. :( I'm a mean person sometimes. It's because I'm insecure, and I need to get over it.

3. She is hardworking. I do think that I am a hard worker. I go to school full-time, as well as babysit, do housework and take care of our 3 kids. I'm fairly confident that I do work hard.

4. She provides.
I believe that I provide as much as I can, monetarily speaking. However, when it comes to providing my kids with the foundations and morals the Lord calls me to provide- I lack. For so long I've neglected these things and brushed them aside, hoping that my husband would wake up and start leading our family. What I failed to realize is that JUST LIKE if he was to be unable to work, I would have to, when he is unable to lead, I must be there to lead our children. THAT IS MY JOB. I need to provide that leadership to my children.

5. She rises to prepare.
I sleep in. I totally feel I'm entitled to do so every once in a while. :)

6. She considers her investments.
As I said above, I suck with money. I spend without considering the long-term effects of what I'm doing. I don't usually spend on things that are just for me- I usually buy for others, or for the family as a whole, but I go overboard. So, I need to start considering what I'm spending money on, and learning to stretch the cash a little bit and making what I buy last and be worth our while.

7. She uses her income to better the family.
I think that I do this, for the most part. I use what money I make for rent, food, and occasionally clothing for the kids. However, like stated above, I need to learn to make it last and to get more "bang for my buck."

8. Does what she is called to do, day or night, whenever needed.
I do everything my family needs me to do, it's just getting motivated to do it that's the problem. I battle my  insane urge to be lazy on a daily basis, and since having depression, this urge has only increased. However, I think that this also means to do what God calls me to do, day and night. It's my job to show my children how to live, and how God asks us to live. To do this, I have to try to be as Christ-like as possible day and night because I'm called to be.

9. She helps those in need.
I do help those in need. ALL THE TIME. I just need to learn to accept the help I need as well, and not be taken advantage of by those who claim their in need. Sometimes people need to be told no rather than given money or other items. And everyone could use prayer. <3

10. She trusts the Lord.
THIS, is the biggest thing I need to learn. I need to learn to put my trust and faith in the Lord, and realize that he is in control and knows what is best for me and my family. I struggle with this so much, and I know that just trusting him will improve my life tremendously.

11. She keeps up with the household.
I do this, but like I said, I struggle with laziness. The household chores are usually the first thing that I neglect when I find myself feeling lazy. I need to start taking responsibility and doing what I know I need to do.

12.  She is presentable.
I feel I keep myself presentable. I dress professionally when I need to. I never dress in inappropriate clothing. I feel one should always dress in clothing they wouldn't be embarrassed to wear in front of their parents.

13. She is strong inside and out.
I am, but part of being strong is admitting when you need help, and accepting you can't do it all. It's knowing that putting your pride aside is what you must do. It's being broken in Christ.

14. She is well-spoken.
I try to be well-spoken, but I sometimes let my tongue get the best and I speak things I shouldn't. I know this, and I know it doesn't make me cool, or smart sounding. I need to get over it.

15. She is kind.
I have an explosive temper. I've found that I'm kind to most, but I can be unkind mostly to those I'm closest to, and that makes me sad. This is the second biggest thing I feel I need to work on.

16. She is not lazy.
I think I've said a few times, I battle laziness on a daily basis. I think it's all in being human. But I've got to learn to push past it and do what I have to do.

17. Her children and husband love her.
They do love me- but  I think the thing I need to work on is accepting their love. :) Learning that they love me unconditionally, just as I love them.

18. She fears the Lord.
I do. I fear him very much. I just don't think I let people in on that, and I think that if I projected that I'm a God fearing woman to more people, I could touch more lives, and in turn, better my family's life.